My boyfriend of almost two years is wonderful in every other aspect of our relationship. He’s a brilliant artist, I love his energy, he’s thoughtful and even modest. I love his hugs, and I adore his sleep. But when I knew he had been drinking, a different person showed up. He would get angry and aggressive, clench his teeth, become in a trance-like state, not recognize me, and become angry or moody. My new pattern of spending time with him was rather casual and interesting until I decided to stick it out. Like many women, I needed him to drink heavily before I could trust him in his face because I believed in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to remember what had happened later. I have been with him for 10 months and we’ve been fighting a lot. Now he looks angry and angry to me most of the time because of the rages that I believe were alcohol-induced. But when he drinks, he’s silly, charming, and fun. All the while, I can tell by his eyes and by the surface behaviors that he’s somewhere between drunken and in a trance state. How do I know I’m being dudded? When I feel enraged with him that it’s becoming more difficult to trust him and his binge-drinking, I think maybe that was his illness and I should just leave. What should I do?
I’m going to propose a white herring on a blueberry slice of one of these solutions, and it’s not funny.
You’re not dudded because you’re in love with this guy, and you believe you can trust him and do your own thing when he’s drunk.
You’re dudded because you believe he can be trusted and do his own thing when he’s drunk.
You think he’s off his meds. He’s off them because you like to go out and drink when he’s not there. This is crazy. Some doctors suggest stopping medications for people who don’t want them — and if he’s choosing not to take them even when he’s not drinking, then that’s a huge red flag. You say he hasn’t been drinking in the past month, but since he’s said he can’t remember any of this point, then that’s obviously because his meds aren’t working. Don’t worry too much about showing up drunk with him. Avoiding drinking is an admission of guilt that really shouldn’t be appropriate when a relationship exists. You knew you could trust him when he drank and you still do, so you stayed in this relationship because you loved him. But do you really want to be drinking heavily and believing that’s a symptom of his illness? He sounds very sick. You’ve been seeing someone else. You took out a restraining order. If you want to, leave. Do you really want to split up with someone who has been drinking all this time and you wouldn’t dare do anything about because you “love” him?
You are dudded because you’re addicted to alcohol. You’re addicted to alcohol because alcohol enhances you; it takes your calmness and makes you a bit edgy and aggressive. If that doesn’t describe you, if you don’t understand it completely, then ask yourself if alcohol is really your best choice for romance. Is the truth as clear as you think it is, and you’re in it to win it? I’m not saying it’s the problem, only that drinking your way into a relationship usually leads you to come out of it pretty messed up. Remember that 10 months ago.
Ellie, too, was dudded. It turns out my boyfriend was a great guy in all other aspects of our relationship, and I decided to leave the smart guy with the independent personality and move in with the arrogant control freak. Yes, I’m asking about her motivations. You are not dudded because she likes your boyfriend, or even because of all of your other attributes. But if your boyfriend’s affability and your easygoing days were some sort of package deal, then that package is showing its insides are not the way they used to be. As soon as you talk to the doctor, speak out, and tell her how